Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home.

Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist and invite a complete stranger into the room. Press the bookends against your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Schedule an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again.

Exercise #2: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.

Exercise #3: Visit your garage at three in the morning when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all of your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Congratulations!!! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram!!! (See also Cartoons.)