These definitions by an anonymous author have been making the rounds of the Internet.
LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your owner where you want him or her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as a white bedspread or newly upholstered couch.
DROOL: What you do when your owners have food and you donít. To do this properly, sit as close as you can, look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.
GARBAGE CAN: A container your neighbors put out weekly to test your ingenuity. Stand on your hind legs and push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with food wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The rider swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
THUNDER: A signal the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating, it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: A process owners use to clean you, drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogís response to the command "Sit!," especially if your owner is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction, shared by you and your owner. Show it by wagging your tail.